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21 July 2006 @ 07:55 pm
I'm the leeeeegendary traineeeer! Lookie at meeee!  
Writing fanfiction, you want to give it a twist, and not keep it the same as billions others out there. God knows we have enough claims to be the Legendary Trainers, already. Take a number and join the queue -- it leads straight into the depths of hell.

Story Or Series Title: The Legendary Keeper
Summary: Sara was grabbed from the real world to the Pokemon World, where she must assume the role of the Legendary Keeper. With this title comes special abilities, which she will unravel as she gains experience. Read and review!
Fandom: Master Trainers League -- I think.
Culprit Author's Name: littledoggy

Full Name (plus titles if any): Sara True
Full Species(es): Transplanted Sue
Hair Color (include adjectives): 'smooth brown hair'
Eye Color (include adjectives): -
Unusual Markings/Colorations: -

Special Possessions: Legendary Keeper

Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Legendary Keeper of Pokémon
Annoying Special Abilities: Above.

Annoying Story Traits: Descriptions are what-the-hell. Your typical boring, oh let me drop into the other world and become famous story. D: And suddenly using 'me', instead of 'her'? Nope, not good.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

Countless pokemon, perhaps every single pokemon in the entire pokemon world surrounded her, all of them looking at her respectfully. Suddenly, the crowd made way for more pokemon, these far more majestic than those surrounding them.

O RLY. Great; now we have more made-up pokémon. Goodness, whatever happened to, you know, good ol' Latios and Latias and Lugia and so on and so forth? And if the entire pokémon world surrounded someone, well, I'd say the place isn't big enough for all of u -- them. Yes, them. Not us, of course, not us.

One of them came up to her. Suddenly, without warming, it released a stream of fire, whose heat could be felt even at a distance. Flamethrower, she realized. The fire touched her and left its mark – a burn on her left wrist.

Yeah, flamethrower. How do you know it wasn't ember? (And I'd suspect flame thrower would engulf you. Not your wrist solely.) Decide the attacks seriously, please. And human flesh burns, so...

She screamed, and backed away. Two pokemon appeared this time, aiming with their mouths open, at her unmarked wrist. A huge sea of water engulfed her – Water Pulse – and branded her with a blue mark on her wrist.

You don't scream when you get burnt. You run about, and try to put it out.

....and water engulfed her, but -- Okay, I won't argue the logics here. Nope. Not when it's a Sue.


Petal Dance was performed, and formed thorns and roses on one ankle. A Sandstorm brewed, marking her with its unique brand. Another used Shadow Ball and so on, until all the elements except one had bestowed upon her their respective symbols.

The thorns would dig into her ankle. The roses -- roses aren't very small, you know.

And do you have any idea how much pain is involved when you get attac -- Of course, wait a second. This is a Sue! It doesn't have to make sense! Because, y'know, she already screamed, so it's fine.

Hmm.


Finally, a Dragon elemental used Dragon Dance on her. This time, she felt her entire body change. Somehow, she already knew it was going to happen. Her body grew curvy, and her eyes showed incredible knowledge. Her muscles strengthened. Her transformation is complete.

...eew.

The other pokemon seem to express satisfaction – to what, no one may ever unravel. A voice spoke in my head (telepathy) “ Come forth and join us now…Legendary Keeper!”

Notice the 'my' up there? Yep. A strict no-no. And geez, like we didn't guessed it was telepathy. We're idiots, after all.
 
 
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Ashikabi - Hoshi Souichirou
 
 
 
Strategy: Do Nothing?: Latiasthe_fmk on July 21st, 2006 01:19 pm (UTC)
A Sandstorm brewed, marking her with its unique brand

Uh...it's sand. What the hell. And Shadow Ball'd go right theough you. That's kinda the point.